<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>There's No Light At The End Of The Tunnel (so we'll set it on fire ourselves) by Nazezdha321</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23602024">There's No Light At The End Of The Tunnel (so we'll set it on fire ourselves)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nazezdha321/pseuds/Nazezdha321'>Nazezdha321</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>All’s Fair in Love and War [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Auntie Nat, More characters to be added, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Protective Natasha Romanov, Violent Rejection of Canon, canon can just leave me alone okay, why is auntie nat not a recognized tag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:13:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,220</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23602024</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nazezdha321/pseuds/Nazezdha321</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Lila turns to grab her arrow, finally pulling it from the bullseye her dad painted. </p><p>"These things really should be easier to - " Lila glances back, and Dad isn’t there. "Dad?" There’s nothing but silence and dust being carried away by the breeze. She looks down to where her brothers were playing and her mom was making lunch, but she’s not leaning over the picnic table like she was a second ago. "Mom?"</p><p>Lila runs down the hill, searching for Mom and Cooper and Nate, but the baseball and the glove lay abandoned on the ground and the hot dogs are sitting on their respective plates, the ketchup bottle left open. "Guys, this isn’t funny!" </p><p>Lila runs around. "Mom! Dad!" She can’t see them anywhere."</p><p> </p><p>Or, Lila survives instead of Clint.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clint Barton &amp; Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton/Laura Barton, Lila Barton &amp; Natasha Romanov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>All’s Fair in Love and War [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678204</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Nobody's Innocent (when the chips are down)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So apparently I have a death wish because as of this fic's first chapter being posted I have three multi-chapter fics to finish, including this one.</p><p>BUT my brain doesn't care and really wanted to share some Natasha and Lila feels for our next official round of Sanctuaria and I's war. So here we go!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Natasha stands over Vision’s body, breathing hard. Vision lays on the ground, Wanda nowhere in sight, and his once red skin is gray, the stone ripped from his forehead in a mess of wires and cords, bronze with hints of green and red.</p><p> </p><p>They look so beautiful against his storm-colored corpse. </p><p> </p><p>Natasha knows it doesn't look like that when an infinity stone has been fractured into fragments of a fragile universe - in truth, she doesn't know what it looks like, but it can't look like the stone was <em>stolen</em>, almost. But that means -  </p><p> </p><p><em> This can’t be happening, </em> Natasha thinks. The world starts to spin as her thoughts do, spiraling out of control in a panic - <em> nonononononononononononono -  </em></p><p> </p><p>and suddenly all she feels is empty inside. </p><p> </p><p>Then she’s shaking, shaking with rage, feeling her bones quake with fury because that’s the only emotion that comes to fill up the emptiness. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, God,” Steve says. </p><p> </p><p><em> What God </em>, Natasha wants to scream, because surely no God if there ever was one would let this happen. She wants to cry but her throat is caving in on itself and she can hardly breathe with the dread settling in her lungs. </p><p><br/><br/>Natasha clutches her chest, as if it could keep her heart from shattering. </p><p> </p><p>--- </p><p> </p><p>Lila turns to grab her arrow, finally pulling it from the bullseye her dad painted. </p><p> </p><p>“These things really should be easier to - ” Lila glances back, and Dad isn’t there. “Dad?” There’s nothing but silence and dust being carried away by the breeze. She looks down to where her brothers were playing and her mom was making lunch, but she’s not leaning over the picnic table like she was a second ago. “Mom?”</p><p> </p><p>Lila runs down the hill, searching for Mom and Cooper and Nate, but the baseball and the glove lay abandoned on the ground and the hot dogs are sitting on their respective plates, the ketchup bottle left open. “Guys, this isn’t funny!” </p><p> </p><p>Lila runs around. “Mom! Dad!” She can’t see them anywhere. She can’t see <em> anyone </em>anywhere. Tears start to burn in her eyes and she clutches the bow and single arrow in her hand. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Cooper! Nate! </em> ” Lila screams, collapsing. She’s shaking so hard she’s afraid she’ll break, and tears blur her vision until she’s not sure if she’s looking at the sky or the grass. “ <em> Mommy! Daddy! </em>” She’s hyperventilating, she’s going to pass out, and Auntie Nat always said - </p><p> </p><p>Auntie Nat. </p><p> </p><p>Lila stumbles to her feet, abandoning her weapons and falling to the ground as she tries to make it to the house. She slams into the door and it takes her seven tries to open it, but she does. She half-carries herself up the stairs, heart beating so fast it’s going to tear open her chest. Lila reaches the wall panel in the hallway, frantically opening it, and snatching the hidden phone that can only call Daddy and Auntie Nat. </p><p> </p><p>She looks down at the old-fashioned flip-phone, but where numbers should be, there are only two symbols: Hawkeye and Black Widow. Lila presses the Black Widow button over and over, and she doesn’t realize until she stops that she’s screaming. </p><p> </p><p>The phone rings, and rings, and rings, echoing the hollow sound that Lila can feel in her heart.</p><p> </p><p>--- </p><p> </p><p>Natasha feels a buzz against her heart, but she ignores it. She stares at the sky in the cockpit of the Quinjet. Then, it buzzes again. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s that?” Rhodey asks weakly as Natasha sets the plane on autopilot and takes out the phone. Natasha chokes back a sob. It’s coming from the farm. </p><p> </p><p>The farm. Oh, God. the farm. Clint. His family. She forgot about them, but what happened in Wakanda must be happening everywhere. <em> She forgot about them. </em>Laura and Clint and Cooper and Lila and Nate, who must be so scared right now. Some of whom must be dead right now. And for just a few minutes, she forgot they existed. Natasha resolves never to forgive herself. </p><p> </p><p>She presses <em> ACCEPT </em>and places it against her ear. It’s met with sobs on the other end of the line. Familiar sobs. </p><p> </p><p>“Lila?” Natasha asks. </p><p> </p><p>“A-A-Auntie Nat,” Lila cries. </p><p> </p><p>“Lila,” Natasha says, her voice full of relief, and her eyes betray her, tears slipping out of the corner of her eyes. She sees Rhodey tap Steve and gesture to her. “Is your dad there?” </p><p> </p><p>“I c-c-can’t find h-him or M-M-M-M-Mom or Cooper or - or Nate,” Lila says. She sounds like she’s hyperventilating. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, I need you to breathe. Breathe in and out,” Natasha orders, and all at once, the Black Widow costume - all of her identity to everyone but Clint and Laura and the kids - has fallen away, and she’s left with Auntie Nat Mode. Half of her family is dead, but Lila isn’t. And she needs her aunt’s help right now. </p><p> </p><p>Lila seems to follow through, breathing deeply in and out like Nat told her to. “Auntie Nat, I-I’m scared,” She whispers. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m coming,” Natasha promises. She grabs a pen from her pocket and a piece of paper that’s abandoned on the floor and writes down the coordinates to the farmhouse from memory. She hands the paper to Rhodey and gestures to the autopilot. He frowns, but sets the course. </p><p> </p><p>“Nat, who is it?” Bruce asks. </p><p> </p><p>“Lila, I need you to get everything you’re taking with you and put it in your backpack, okay?” Natasha says, ignoring Bruce. “Can you do that for me? I’m coming to get you, and I need you to be ready to go.” </p><p> </p><p>“I will,” Lila says. </p><p> </p><p>“Good. I have to go now, but you’re gonna be okay. Just get your things for me,” Natasha says. Once Lila has confirmed this, she hangs up. </p><p> </p><p>“Who are we getting?” Rhodey asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Clint’s daughter,” She replies.  </p><p> </p><p>Bruce sighs. “I didn’t even think about - is he…?” </p><p> </p><p>Natasha buries her head in her hands for a minute before nodding. “Clint, Laura, and the boys. She’s alone, and she’s scared, and I can’t leave her like this.” She glances up at what’s left of her friends, hoping they’ll understand.</p><p> </p><p>“FRIDAY, can you reroute, please?” Steve asks quietly. </p><p> </p><p>Natasha swears the damn AI sounds broken when she replies, “Rerouting now.”</p><p> </p><p>--- </p><p> </p><p>Lila pushes herself off the floor, mind hazy, vision slipping in and out of darkness. She clutches the phone as she grabs her backpack and stuff in material items that don’t really matter. Clothes. Money. Phone. Hairbrush. And more. </p><p> </p><p>Lila starts to cry again when she goes to get her headphones. Cooper stole them again. They’re on her desk, along with a picture of the Bartons and Auntie Nat, not long after Nate’s first birthday. </p><p> </p><p>She takes that, too, along with her bow and all the arrows she can find, because she won’t be coming back. Auntie Nat made that clear. </p><p> </p><p>She barely registers the sound of a Quinjet landing until she realizes that’s what it is. </p><p><br/><br/>Lila runs outside, her backpack on one shoulder and the quiver on the other, her right hand holding her bow and her left hand outstretched to the Quinjet because if she can touch it that means it’s here, that Auntie Nat is here. </p><p> </p><p>“<em> Auntie Nat! </em>” Lila screams, and she trips over Nate’s scooter on the porch and flies down the steps, knees scraping the cement, but the pain feels good. </p><p> </p><p>It’s a reminder that Lila can feel anything at all. </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>Natasha dashes out of the Quinjet, Steve, Bruce, and Rhodey behind her. She sees Lila scream her name, then fall to the ground. She has on her backpack and a quiver of arrows, and she’s clutching her bow. </p><p> </p><p>Nat runs to her niece, hands wrapping around her in a tight hug, ignoring everything around her. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees hot dogs on the picnic table. Lila lets out a sigh of relief and a sob at the same time. </p><p> </p><p>“They were” - Lila hiccups - “right there, and I” - she hiccups again - “turned around and they w-w-w”  - she bones arch as she hiccups again, tears falling onto Nat’s vest - “were <em> gone </em>.” </p><p> </p><p>“I know,” Natasha tells her, smoothing her hair. The truth, though, is that she didn’t. She always thought she’d feel it if Clint died, feel the hole in her heart that she feels now, the blankness in her mind, something to tell her that her best friend was dead, that her life was never going to be the same. But she also knows that sort of sentimentality, the insistence that she should <em> feel it </em>, is ridiculous. Her life is changed, but so is everyone else’s. Just because half of her is missing doesn’t mean she gets to know before anyone else does. </p><p> </p><p>“What happened?” Lila sobs against Natasha’s shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know,” Natasha whispers. “I don’t know.” </p><p><br/><br/>It’s a lie, and they both know it, but the truth is a matter of circumstance and this one Natasha never saw coming.   </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Ones Who Sing In The Dead Of Night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it's been a while since I uploaded - particularly MarvelObsessedgirl3! </p><p>I did take a break from posting for a while, the reasons of which you can read on my tumblr, but basically I needed a break from everything and I needed to finish up school. </p><p>Enjoy &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lila's eyes snap open with a sudden start, gasping for breath. It takes her a minute to remember that she's not at home in her room, but she's in the Compound in Auntie Nat's room because she's too afraid to sleep on her own now. Her mind is slow, struggling to think of how she got here, and why she's so afraid to sleep on her own. Then she remembers all of it at once: the picnic, the phone call, Auntie Nat half-carrying her on the Quinjet where the remaining Avengers stared at her but tried not to look like they were staring at her (which only made things worse). </p><p> </p><p>"Lila?" Auntie Nat asks. Lila didn't even know she was awake - it's still dark outside - and then she feels guilty as she realizes she probably woke Auntie Nat up. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm okay," Lila lies. Even in the dark, she can see Auntie Nat's figure sitting up, and the hunch of her shoulders as she raises an eyebrow. "I had a nightmare." </p><p> </p><p>Auntie Nat pats the space beside her, and Lila scoots over and snuggles in against her side. "Want to tell me what it was about?" </p><p> </p><p>Lila does, actually, because she always used to tell Dad what they were about and he used to help her, whispering words of comfort that Lila wishes she remembered, only now she can't even remember anything but the scent of something burning. But nothing Auntie Nat says will make her feel better, and she doesn't want to burden her with what she's feeling. "Not really."</p><p> </p><p>Auntie Nat sighs, a sort of quiet 'I don't know how to do this' sigh that Lila's heard from the movies before, and a few times from her parents. "What do you want to do, then?" </p><p> </p><p>"Will you sing me a song?" Lila asks.</p><p> </p><p>Auntie Nat glances at her. "I don't... I'm not..." </p><p> </p><p>"Please?" Lila begs. "The one you sung Nate when he was a baby?" </p><p> </p><p>Auntie Nat begins singing the lullaby, the one Lila knows to be an old Russian one, in a slow, hauntingly beautiful voice, and Lila feels all the tension in her muscles that she hadn't known was there relax as lets the melody lull her back to sleep. </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>- - -</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>"It's been twenty-four hours," Bruce says. </p><p> </p><p>"I can call a press conference," Steve offers. </p><p> </p><p>Rhodey sighs. "We don't need a big spectacle, and that's what a press conference is going to be." </p><p> </p><p>"You have a better idea?" Natasha asks. Every part of her body aches from day-old battle wounds, but that's nothing compared to the ache she feels in her chest. The only survivors that she knows of are Bruce, Steve, Rhodey, Thor, Okoye, Rocket, and Lila. Pepper called her, frantic, but Natasha didn't have anything to offer. Steve suggested she come to the Compound. She's on her way. But Tony, Fury, and Maria are all MIA, and so is Spider-Man and someone named Stephen Strange. Natasha has no way of knowing if they're dusted. And everyone else is dust. </p><p> </p><p>She clenches her fist. Everyone but Thanos. </p><p> </p><p>"I can read it," Bruce says. "Our statement, I mean." </p><p> </p><p>"I should," Steve says, and Natasha knows that it's out of someone misguided sense of duty. Steve has failed, and so he wants to atone. But she knows better than to tell him that there's no way of atoning for your past mistakes. You just have to make better choices in the future. There's no convincing Steve out of anything when he has his heart set on it. </p><p> </p><p>"Where's Thor?" Bruce asks, glancing around. "And the raccoon?" </p><p> </p><p>"Chasing down leads," Rhodey replies. "Okoye went back to Wakanda, though she said she'd wait to explain what happened until we did." </p><p> </p><p>Nat stares at the ground, trying to distinguish if the flake on her boot is dirt or dust. There's silence all around the room, but not for lack of things to say. Natasha could ask Bruce where he's been. What happened to the Asgardians. Why Thor suddenly appeared with a walking tree and a raccoon with a new hammer and a haircut. Steve could look for more faint leads that will certainly go nowhere. Bruce could try to make conversation, and ask what happened in Berlin, or what the Sokovia Accords are. Rhodey could go back to trying to find Fury and Maria, a request Nat made of him. She could really use their help right now, but she knows that if they were alive, they would have already made it to Compound and would be asking what the hell is going on. </p><p> </p><p>They could fill the silence. But they won't. There's nothing they can say that matters.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>- - -</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Lila wakes up screaming at the top of her lungs, twisted in the blanket so that she can hardly breathe. Her heart is pounding, eyes searching for a villain that isn't there, hands balled into fists. She stops, panting, realizing that Auntie Nat isn't next to her. </p><p> </p><p>She is a second later, running into the room, rushing to Lila's side. She has a  bowl next to the bed, and Lila is glad she's so prepared, because she has the urge to throws up. Lila grabs for the bowl and Auntie Nat hands it to her, sitting next to her on the bed as she throws up, gently holding her hair back and rubbing her back. "You're right here with me, Lila," Auntie Nat whispers. </p><p> </p><p>Lila is glad Auntie Nat knows not to tell her that it's okay, like Mom or Dad would, because it's not. </p><p><br/>She notices after a few minutes that Auntie Nat isn't wearing the hoodie and leggings she was wearing before. Her hair isn't a mess like it was when Lila woke up before. She's wearing a green suit, the one she was wearing when she flew to the farm. Her hair is brushed, and she has a little bit of makeup on. "What's going on?" Lila chokes out. </p><p> </p><p>"We're going to go to a press conference. People need to know what happened," Auntie Nat replies softly. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I go?" Lila whispers. </p><p><br/>Auntie Nat shakes her head. "You should stay here, Lila. You're in no condition to go anywhere." </p><p> </p><p>"You'll disappear." </p><p> </p><p>"No, I won't." </p><p> </p><p>"<em>But you don't know that!</em>" Lila cries. "Y-you don't know if you'll just be gone like Mom and Dad and Cooper and Nate were!" </p><p> </p><p>Auntie Nat bites her lip. Lila glares at her, willing herself not to throw up or do anything else that would sway Auntie Nat's decision. "Fine," she says. "You can come. But you have to get dressed. I'm going to go tell the others, okay?" </p><p> </p><p>"Okay." </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>- - -</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Steve and Bruce both resisted at first when Natasha told them Lila was coming, but she was insistent. Now, as she walks into the biggest nearby space that they could find, with hundreds (maybe thousands) of people in the crowd screaming and demanding answers, she wishes she hadn't. None of Lila's clothes were suitable, so Natasha pointed her to Wanda's room and Lila raided her closet. </p><p><br/>"Stay close," Natasha murmurs. It's probably unnecessary, because Lila is sticking to her like glue, glancing warily at the crowd and clutching Natasha's hand. </p><p> </p><p>"It's time," Steve says to Nat. </p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to sit in the back, or come up on stage with me? You don't have to say anything," Natasha adds, because she doesn't know what Lila's thinking will happen. "Steve won't tell them your name or anything about you. Not that they'll care. They're too focused on... on what's happening right now. I'm going to read the list of Avengers and our allies who aren't here anymore, and you can stay next to me the whole time if you want." </p><p> </p><p>"I want to go with you," Lila says, and Natasha nods.  </p><p> </p><p>Steve walks up first, then Rhodey, then Bruce, then Natasha and Lila. Steve starts with the opening statement. Natasha isn't really listening. There are lights flashing, and screams everywhere, and so much noise that the assassin part of Nat knows how easy it would be to slip in here and hurt someone. So she isn't listening, or at least, not to the statement and the crackle of the microphone and the demands of the desperate. She's listening for the sound of a gun, or a blade being pulled, or a bow being drawn, even, because this is the world they live in. She tells herself that it's habit, but it's not. She's scared that someone will try to hurt Lila. She's scared that Lila will panic and run, and Natasha won't be able to find her, and then she will have broken her and Clint and Laura's pact. </p><p> </p><p>No, that's not what Natasha is scared of. Natasha's scared that she can't take care of Lila. She can be an aunt and a godmother easily enough. She can babysit the kids every so often on date night. She can whip up macaroni and cheese or peanut butter sandwiches to feed them, she can entertain them with slightly less violent stories of STRIKE Team Delta missions, she can play an expert game of hide and seek or tag or have a water balloon fight. But she can't actually <em>take care </em>of a kid, not like she might have to. She can't nurture Lila like she might have to. She isn't made to. She isn't meant to. </p><p> </p><p><em>She doesn't know how. </em>  </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>- - -</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Lila stays close to Auntie Nat as Mr. Steve finishes his speech. He steps back and lets her come forward, with Lila trailing behind her like a shadow. </p><p> </p><p>"All known deceased Avengers and allies include Vision, Scarlet Witch, Black Panther, Falcon, the Winter Soldier, an alien by the name of Groot, and Hawkeye," Auntie Nat says. Her voice cracks on <em>Hawkeye, </em>so Lila clasps her shaking hand. "We have no information on the whereabouts of Tony Stark, Stephen Strange, or Spider-Man. We have no information on the whereabouts of Thanos. That will be all." </p><p> </p><p>Lila resists the impulse to tell the crowd she's sorry. She doesn't know why she wants to. Maybe it's because some of them are crying.</p><p> </p><p>She used to watch National Geographic with her brothers, and one time they showed a creature called a axolotl, a species of aquatic salamander, that can regenerate organs. As an experiment, scientists cut out the heart of an axolotl, and it regrew. Mom always thought it was so cruel. Cooper was fascinated. Dad and Nate both thought it was gross. </p><p><br/>Lila wondered if they cut out her heart, would she be able to regrow it? </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>- - -</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>"How are you going to get them back?" Lila asks Natasha once they're back the Compound, in Natasha's plain room. The only decorations are Lila's artwork and pictures of the Bartons. </p><p> </p><p>"Track down Thanos, get the stones, snap my own fingers," Natasha says. It's the only plan she has. The only good one, anyway. </p><p> </p><p>"Where is he?" </p><p> </p><p>"Wherever he is, I'll find him." </p><p> </p><p>"You don't know what he did is reversible." </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know it's not." </p><p> </p><p>"Auntie Nat," Lila whispers, tears in her eyes. "Are they gone?" </p><p> </p><p>Natasha hugs her niece close. "Doesn't matter. I'll raise Hell before I give them up." </p><p> </p><p>Lila looks up at her. "So will I." <br/><br/><br/></p><p>Natasha stares at Laura's picture on her desk. That picture was taken at the lake. Her hair was fluttering in the wind, and she kept complaining about it, which made Nat smile. Her whole face was illuminated by the sunlight. She was laughing at Clint that day, as he was teaching Cooper how to hop from rock to rock across the stream that lead to the lake, and he fell into the water. </p><p> </p><p>Laura would not have wanted Lila in combat. </p><p> </p><p>But this is Lila's fight, too. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm planning to update every Sunday. Let me know what you think in the comments!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Alive? (that's worth a lot)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Well things are finally getting into motion! Here we gooooo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Nat, we need to talk,” Steve says, walking into Natasha’s room, but he’s surprised to see Natasha asleep, practically sitting up against the headboard with Clint’s daughter, Lila, on her right, curled up against her. Neither of them look particularly exhausted, or angry, or scared, just… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>at peace. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Peace isn’t something any of them have had in a while, so Steve is just about to leave when Bruce pokes his head in. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is Natasha here?” he asks. When he catches sight of them, he shifts awkwardly from foot to foot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you remember when we met her?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who, Nat or Lila?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Lila.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I remember that Tony thought it was a setup of some kind when Clint introduced us to Laura,” Bruce admits. “I don’t think I was all that shocked until Lila showed up and asked - ” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“‘Did you bring Auntie Nat?’” Natasha says, eyes still closed across the room. Steve hadn’t realized that she was awake, but she’s also Nat, so he doubts he would know anything if she didn’t want him to. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nat opens her eyes and slowly moves out from under the covers. She’s trying not to wake Lila. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What do you need to talk to me about?” Nat asks as she walks and closes the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I called SHIELD through your contact, Melinda - ”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“May. Anyone answer?” Natasha replies. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, someone named Daisy. She said May couldn’t reply - she wasn’t… she didn’t... she’s on vacation,” Steve explains. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Nat’s brow furrows. “Melinda May on vacation? You sure this was SHIELD?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. They’re under the leadership of Director Mackenzie now, and they tracked Hill and Fury’s last location. I could go with you if you want?” he offers. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Natasha shakes her head. “If Fury or Maria were alive, they’d be here. I have to go through their stuff, make sure there isn’t anything that could help us. And find Goose. That’s a one-person job. Stay here, monitor the surrounding galaxies with Rocket’s tech. See if we can find Tony or Thanos.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Steve nods, but he knows it isn’t just because it’s a one-person job that Natasha’s going alone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Natasha only goes alone if she wants to be alone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>--- </strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The streets are full of people. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Some of them are staring at TVs at local news stations, watching clips of Steve and occasionally of Natasha and Lila. Some of them are huddling in the streets, trying to find out who’s gone, sheltering with one another for comfort. Some of them are screaming, throwing things at pictures of Thanos that have been plastered across brick walls. Some are trying to put out a fire in a skyscraper, though Nat can tell that everyone’s out by now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Some of them are looting stores, and Nat has to resist the urge to tell them to stop because that’s not what she’s here for. She’s not here to tell people how to grieve - or how to take advantage of those who are gone. She’s done both, and she certainly didn’t listen to anyone’s commentary at the time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Natasha’s here to find Maria and Fury’s things, and to find Goose. She doubts the damn cat has been snapped into oblivion because that thing has reportedly been alive since the nineties. Fury always said Goose wasn’t a cat, but he wouldn’t tell Nat what she is, which leads her to believe that Goose is a cat that’s been experimented upon or something to give her prolonged life (much like Nat, now that she thinks about it). </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Natasha pulls up the hoodie over her hair, eyes cast down, walking like she’s been taught. An Avenger will attract a crowd, and she doesn’t want that right now. She can’t be an Avenger right now. She doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know what to say. She’s not like Steve, she can’t just pull words from midair to inspire the public, to give them hope. She’s the Black Widow, and before she was an Avenger, she made mistakes, and a lot of enemies. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t need more enemies now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>--- </strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lila wakes up to darkness. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t wake up screaming like she did the night before. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She also doesn't wake up with Auntie Nat like she did the night before. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If Lila is being honest, she would rather wake up in terror with Auntie Nat beside her than peacefully without Auntie Nat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She crawls out of Auntie Nat’s bed, wearing an old Hawkeye T-shirt that her dad gave her and purple shorts. Lila wishes she had more to remember him by than just clothes and photographs. She wishes she had the perfume Mom wore on special occasions. She wishes she had Cooper’s favorite LEGO set, the one he built with Lila and Nate and then glued together so it would never fall apart. She wishes she had Nate’s stuffed frogs that he went to sleep with every night. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No, Lila doesn’t want that. She wants </span>
  <em>
    <span>Nate</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She wants Dad, she wants Mom, she wants Cooper, and she wants Nate. She wants things to be like they were before. She wants Auntie Nat to visit the farm to celebrate Christmas, not pick up Lila and take her away from the ashes of her family. She wants to play hide and seek with her brothers, even if she has to lose to Nate. She wants Mom and Auntie Nat on her capture the flag team against Dad and Cooper and Nate. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But she can’t have that. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not until she finds Thanos with Auntie Nat. Not until she snaps her fingers and brings everybody back. Not until she’s good enough to fight for it. Not until she can call herself Hawkeye like her father used to. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lila grabs her bow from the door, where it’s right next to her backpack. She doesn’t know the way to wherever the bullseyes are, but she’ll figure it out. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lila pauses for a moment, before swallowing and asking softly, “JARVIS?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No answer. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But then again, he wouldn’t answer, because didn’t JARVIS get combined with a bunch of other stuff into Vision, Wanda’s boyfriend? And since Vision’s dead, JARVIS isn’t here anymore. Lila tries to think of what Dad said the other AI’s name was. It was a day of the week. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“SUNDAY?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“MONDAY?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“TUESDAY?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“WEDNESDAY?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“THURSDAY?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“FRIDAY?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello, Miss Barton,” the AI replies softly. FRIDAY’s decidedly feminine voice sounds so - defeated? Abandoned? Alone?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi,” Lila says tentatively. “Do you know where I can find somewhere to practice, FRIDAY?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I will direct you to the map Mr. Stark installed in the kitchen, Miss Barton,” FRIDAY replies. “Unless you’d like me to give you directions?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“That would be great, FRIDAY. And you can call me Lila.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You may exit Agent Romanoff’s room and take your next left, Lila.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lila does as she is told, making sure to close the door behind her as she goes. She takes the left in the hallway, looking at the various pictures on the walls. Most of them are what Dad would describe as ‘tasteful art’ or what Mom would describe as ‘neutral’ but there are few pictures of the Avengers as Lila walks. Most of them are official-looking, and there’s even one very old black-and-white picture of Mr. Steve and the men who Lila knows to be the Howling Commandos. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A right, Lila, and then you’ll cut across the kitchen.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And so it goes, Lila following the directions of FRIDAY, getting one of her first glimpses into life at the Compound. Coffee grounds that don’t appear to be disposed of properly. History on the walls. Twice, a picture of Auntie Nat where she appears to be laughing. Dad is in the first one, obviously the source of the laughter, and Auntie Nat is by herself in the second. In the second, whoever made her laugh - whoever made her </span>
  <em>
    <span>happy </span>
  </em>
  <span>- is to her right. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lila wonders if it was her father, or if it was someone else.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>---</strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Natasha finds Maria’s car, swerved haphazardly into the curb. Both doors are open. There’s dust on the side of the car. Nat wonders for a second if that’s Maria, or Nick, or someone else. The back of the car seems to be damaged slightly - maybe someone hit it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Goose isn’t anywhere to be found inside of the car, though the trunk of the car is open. Nat swears when she realizes Goose isn’t in the back. That cat is probably long gone. Fury loved that cat. When she gets him back, he’ll kill her for losing to Thanos, if only because Goose is lost. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Nat turns around to walk to the open trunk, because there are bags in there, when her foot catches on something. Maybe it’s reflexes from years of learning how to avoid land mines, but she immediately leaps backward, nearly scratching herself on the pavement when she lands. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Natasha goes back to look at what it is, she finds a transmitter pager, but it’s been rigged. The screen is half blue and half red, divided by what appears to be a star of some sort. And the pager is beeping. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nat knows that this is Fury’s. And someone is on the other end of that pager. Someone who Fury called to help them. Maybe that’s jumping to a lot of conclusions, but Natasha’s desperate, and it’s the most likely scenario. Not that any of this was likely. By normal standards, Nat is pretty sure that this is the most abnormal thing that could have happened to them. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Natasha grabs both of the bags out of the back of the trunk, then closes it, out of respect for Maria. She grabs the pager and stuffs it into the pocket of her hoodie, then throws the hood back over her head. As she walks down the filled streets, she tries to look as typical as possible. She walks at a normal pace. She fake cries, just a little, because half the city’s crying, so why not? She stays in crowded areas but goes on the outside of them to get through faster. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then she smells the scent of fire. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She’s on alert. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nat pushes her way through the hordes of people towards the smoke, former mission to get out of there as soon as possible be damned, and when she does, she finds cheering and screaming and fire. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s her face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>On fire. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No, it’s all of their faces. The Avengers. It’s a statue of the Avengers, and it's on fire. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It isn’t until she sees the burning statue that Natasha knows that everyone lost something. But some people lost everything. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And it isn’t until she sees the burning statue that Natasha knows that in the eyes of the public, the Avengers are to blame for that loss.  </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Me: *patiently waiting for next Sunday because Carol Danvers y'all*</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! I love to know your thoughts, so leave kudos/comments if you feel this merits them! </p><p>Also, this fic is not fully written yet so if you have any ideas/theories/suggestions, let me know! I have an outline of the plot, but outlines tend to end up changing drastically so. </p><p> </p><p>Cheers!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>